A serie of post-functional products

12.3 mm tool for precise bread slicing

42°, 5.2 N, set angle and force to exactly hit your plate

67.4 cm, teapot records the height you are able to pour tea from

0.2 mm, the holy grail of cutlery alignment

23.5 ml, 2.41 g, measure the milk and sugar in coffee exactly

“Neuroses can be explained as fake-meaning creation. When the lives of some people get overly secure and lack in danger or primary survival goals, they will start to make up pseudo-dangerous environments that have to be fought with strange self-made rituals.”
Excerpt from interview with Koert van Essen, Therapist

Folks, those are –drumroll, please– my feet. I still can’t quite process the excitement and overall disgusting materialism of it all. But I can say, with no hesitation- they. are. fucking amazing. amazing. And my name is on the box which brings me much delight.

Can I get an amen? Jesus?

And to give credit where credit is {undoubtedly, certainly, absolutely}

due… It is all thanks to this guy:

Wait, no. THIS guy:

Well, the guy holding a photo of the other guy (right- isn’t that a photo of the other guy..?)

jkjk- These are my two favorite guys on the planet. My dad and Ryan, respectively. Christmas was wonderful and I am a bit sad to be back from my Christmasland vacation. Nothing is better.

And the last addendum: Duncan, I love you too, buddy. Thanks for being hilarious.

What’s unfortunate about this is:

a) It’s not likely to happen.

b) More importantly, I made this. And then I sent it to Wells Fargo so that they would make my debit card look like this (so nice of them, right?). Then, they approved my design! Theeeen, I was so happy that I wanted to share with the internet how cool I was. Then, I posted it right here on my blog and noticed that it has green squigglies all the fuck over it because Word sucks and so do I.